Who booty? Djibouti

Last day in Ocala! For those who do not know, I signed a lease on Saturday for an apartment that is 1000 dollars for two bedrooms. It is absolutely BEAUTIFUL! I'm getting an apartment...on an Island!!! How sexy is that? Please, do be impressed. I move in tomorrow!...worry not, once my father sends my camera, Pictures will be uploaded.

Topic One: Fetal Advertisements

Driving back from Tampa, I realized quickly that I'm not in Pennsylvania. Every five miles on I-75 between Tampa and Ocala, there are these towering signs that insist to me that "A 18 day old fetus's heart is beating!"

Poignant? Quite.
I'd like to remind all those meat eaters, including myself out there, that there was a heart that was beating in the medium-rare steak that you ate for dinner last night. Or that Chicken McNugget...that I love dipped in honey....mmmm...

Topic 2: Making Babies for dummies...and homos...and straights
So recently, the topic of gay marriage was brought up in my presence, and I had someone mention that homosexuality is wrong, because...

(drum roll...)

Gay people can't make babies.

There you have it. Q.E.D. Gay sex is bad, because sex is for making babies.

Uh-huh.
Millions of teenagers close their door at night, and pull out what Lady Gaga calls so discretely, their "disco sticks" while they fantasize about...procreation?
We have a billion/trillion dollar global porn industry that Frat boys watch eagerly, while yelling out rude commentary, as porn stars...create life?
Thousands of years ago, the ancient Chinese and Indians wrote indepth discussions about proper foreplay and afterplay, and made a huge fuss about different techniques...just so we can make babies while standing/sitting in different positions?
We buy condoms by the dozens, with "extra-sized, lubricated, ribbed, glow-in-the-dark, self rotating, 2000 rpm, bakes cookies for you, and still manages to satisfy you" additions simply so we can make the whole birthing process...easier?

Come on. That's bull shit and you know it.

Sex is about enjoyment. It just happens that when it's between a man and a woman, who have certain levels of fertility, during certain days of the month, and as long as the female is between the ages of 14 and 50, a baby MAY come out. A surprising byproduct of fun. An odd limiting reagent for how many times most fertile straight people get their jiggy on.

So PLEASE...do not tell me that homosexuality is wrong, unless everytime you and your wife decide to do the dirty, you lie in bed saying. "This is all for Little Bobby" over and over. Damn it. That might be some kinda freaky fetish.

NEXT TOPIC!

Topic 3: Shhhh...Be Vewy Vewy Quiet!...I'm hunting Caweers!

ECO-nOmiCS! The economy is shitty I know...but presently, it's kinda sad that the only jobs that I've been able to get, minus the research position which I'm about to say yes to, is a position in marketing. Marketing.

Marketing, in the case of the companies that are wanting to hire me...is a nice way to say a "Easy-wealth-job-opportunity-with-little-security-and-a-suspicious-job-description-which may-provide-a-commission-that-would-correspond-to-a-below-minimum-wage-salary".

Which is still a nice way to say: FAKKKKKKKEEEEE!

Whatever. I liked being unemployed anyway.

Topic 4: Conversations with Anish in Car between Tampa and Ocala proving that we evolved from Apes.

-Me: It says 21 miles to her house...and it's already 12:07!
-Anish: We won't get there until...like 1.
-Me: What? That's 12:28! You suck at math!
-Anish: Well you suck at shutting up!

-Me: Hari Booty. That sounds like an Indian name. Hari Bhooothiiii!
-Anish: Or African. Dijbouti.


OK Back to Packing...moving tmrw, ya know?

Reach for the Moon...even if you miss you'll land in Starbucks....or maybe a Taco Bell.

So let's begin with my disappointment from this past weekend. I was EXTREMELY disappointed on Saturday night. Why? Two words: Taco Bell.

Taco Bell is pretty much the best metaphor for an Indian-American household that I can think of. Spicy, always has a vegetarian option, kinda crowded...all it needs is a nagging middle-aged housewife who wants you to become a doctor and BINGO - you've got home.

Indian Americans love Taco Bell. For a race of people who grew up eating lentils and rice with curry, a bean taco with hot sauce is pretty much the only fast food option we had. After all, McDonalds fries their fries in Pig fat and Pizza Hut puts beef into their "cheese" pizzas sauces. Taco Bell was our meat-free safe haven. We'd roll up in our vans, place orders under the names "Vinny" (for Venkatachalam) or "Allie" (for Rathnamala), stock up on fire sauces, and then run back home to eat dinner while enjoying a show with good family values.

Burger King's Latest attempt to include the Hindu crowd.
Translation: The taste that is sacred.
...Bam! Can you say Distasteful Danish Cartoon ten times fast?

Speaking of family entertainment, guess what show my family sat down to watch every Saturday evening? Actually what two shows would a Hindu, typically democrat and liberal voting, family that speaks Tamil at home, has two Indian citizens, and has parents who both had PhDs watch on Saturday nights?

Guess?

You'll never guess.

a) Touched by an angel. God. I hated that show. Ironic.... that I should say God. Maybe I should say it with the same Irish accent that the main character spoke with.

Plot of each episode? There are people who are
a) drug addicts
b) suicidal
c) criminals
d) prostitutes
e) a partridge in a pear tree
f) all of the above.

and this angel comes to them and says in her gruff and manly (wow...maybe that's what turned me onto guys) voice with an Irish accent "But (fill in name of the poor man who needs saved), Gawd loves you." And that was it. A little bit of ethereal light, some soft background music, water into wine, etc. BAM! You have a born again Christian who has been cured of all his past faults and suddenly with a cleared criminal record. My parents loved it. I was cynical, but my gayness attracted me to Roma Downey's Herbal Essences washed hair and Della Reese's "Big Mamma" character. So I watched it with them. I now feel that I've gained several centuries of Hindu Purgatory time for doing such a sinful act. But even that doesn't compare to the other show we used to watch.

2) Walker. Texas. Ranger.

Yes. Chuck Norris himself whose "married-once, cheated-on-his-wife, divorced, and-remarried" ass had the courage to step up to talk about the sanctity of marriage, was our household guardian angel. We adored him. I even admired him. He was strong, masculine, brave, humerous...(wait a second, I didn't know I liked men back then? What the hell was I thinking.)


Well that's what I thought of him. Now I realize the show had an underlying racist tone with the African-American side kick who was incapable of doing anything with an otherwise whitttttte cast who was always fighting the evil "Arab" terrorists or the "Mexicans" and saving America. Makes me shudder to think of my childhood. But it definitely helps explains my father's reaction to homosexuality. But that's for another time.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Taco Bell. So I had expected that in Taco Bell, I would be able to eat the best Mexican Pizzas that I have eaten any where in the US. I expected the flaky, yummy crust, nice and warm, with the oozing beans on the inside and the cheese melted on the outside. And with the huge hispanic population in Florida, I expected there would be some spanishness in the air that might even add to the taste.

What I got was a stale pair or tortilla breads with cold beans inside and dried salsa and cheese on the outside. I couldn't contain my disappointment. I nearly cried in my car for my pasty ass white North Eastern counterparts that would serve me better fake Mexican food. Talk about destruction of childhood. I was more upset by this than when my father told me that Santa Claus came through our space heater since our house didn't have a fire place.

Anyway, I threw it most away.

MORE EXPERIENCES LATER!

Getting Settled Into Florida

So as you guys all know: I left Pittsburgh on August 21st, 2009. What you don't know are the various adventures that I've experienced so far. So this blog will be a way of updating those in Pittsburgh, in State College, and actually kind of all around the country and the world since we're so dispersed. :)

So let's begin with the trip down from Pittsburgh. The first day was uneventful, and consisted mostly of arriving in Washington DC. DC was fun...and I got a new bank account! Wachovia!

Do you know what I realized about life in the US? We are expected to be polite all the time, even if there's no need to be. And you're expected to be interested in what an acquaintance is saying even if you don't really care. The bank teller spent about ten minutes ranting and raving about how Wachovia was going to be taken over by Wells Fargo.

WELLS FARGO WAGON!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oiBnFIC0uQ


Yeah...I could have been this excited about Wells Fargo. But I really wasn't. But of course. I did the whole raised eyebrows, and surprised look of joy.


Yep. That's the expression I had on my face..."Really? Wells Fargo??? You don't say...." Needless to say, the whole Starting-a-bank-account incident took a lot longer than it needed to. Sighhh....

And then began Eleanor and my journey through the south. We crossed out of DC into Virginia, and immediately you saw lined up on the highway signs for strip bars, churches, and rodeos. Right next to each other. Like One billboard would say "My heart started beating after only 10 weeks...Save me, Oh Lord" and the next one would say "TOPLESS LADIES!" Ahhh the Good ol' South.

I do many stupid things, but the stupidest thing I could have done on the journey down was pack up every single one of my CDs into the boxes. So what did we have to listen to? Geoff Landersnolan's CD.

Geoff had burned a CD for me before I left State College that was still in the front seat of my car. It consists of Rock Gamer Music (theme songs from various Video Games played by rock bands) interspersed with Frank Sinatra and two songs from Om Shanthi Om (a bollywood movie). I kid you not. The CD itself has the ability to make you bipolar or schizo.

Eleanor and I first tried listening to the Bollywood songs and the Frank Sinatra songs...and then we got sick of that. EVERY SINGLE FRICKING RADIO STATION WAS COUNTRY!!!! So there wasn't much listening to the radio. And then we turned Eleanor's cell phone volume up and rocked to Moulin Rouge songs she had on there. But still, we were getting bored as hell. So we decided that the next day in South Carolina we were going to buy an adapter to hook my car's CD player with her iPod. Story to be continued....

Eleanor had this obsession about being "the one" to drive across the state border from Virginia to North Carolina. She made SUCH a big fuss about crossing the state border. I don't understand what difference it made, but she was excited about it. Well, two miles from the border we switched at a gas station, so I was the driver. And as we crossed it into North Carolina, Eleanor let out her shriek of horror as we passed the Welcome Sign. I had thought something serious had happened, like she had forgotten something important back at her house. Nope. Just Eleanor being Eleanor. I was laughing soooo hard.

Eleanor missed the crossing from South Carolina into Georgia, and Georgia into Florida as well. The only state that she did manage to cross into was South Carolina from North Carolina. And not surprisingly, considering her luck, the only big welcome sign that could great her was a Billboard that said "Restaurant in ten miles. HAS CLEAN BATHROOMS!" Of course, the states I crossed into had beautiful "Welcome to______" signs with palm trees and flower gardens. Screw South Carolina and its inability to seem classy.

Actually, every billboard in South Carolina ranted and raved about clean bathrooms. Which is kinda upsetting that the only thing that your eatery has going for it is that there isn't feces smeared all over the stalls.

Speaking of bathrooms, this woman cut me in the bathroom line in South Carolina. I was sooo pissed! I was going to cut her! She was a big lady though and I was afraid that she might have sat on me and squished me. Skinny guys can't stand up to women with huge cameltoes. Don't know what that is? Look it up. Trust me, it's not pleasant.


WARNING: CAMELTOE BELOW! (my line cutting friend looked kinda like her :P)



Staying in the hotel in South Carolina was nice, but we were sorely disappointed with the food. It was supposed to be asian curry chicken. But it was just Chicken with Onions. Lame.

So back to the story about buying the CD adaptor. Well that morning, we noticed a lot of the stores were closed at 11 am. But the Walmart seemed to be open, so we went there. At first, I noticed that there seemed to be a rope cutting off the clothing sections. We walked around expecting to see just a certain area roped off, but actually, most the store was roped off and we weren't allowed to enter any area minus the area around the pharmacy. That's when we discovered the BLUE LAWS.

The Blue Laws state that non-essential businesses (everything that wasn't the pharmacy in Walmart) had to be closed until 1:30 PM on Sundays. WHAT THE FRICK'S SAKE IS THAT FOR? I mean, let's be honest. Day of God. Religion. OK OK. I get the point. But closing down stores? Forcibly? How ridiculous is that? What century do we live in again? Even if stores are closed that's fine, but the fact that non-essential parts of an open store are being roped off to prevent heathen evil shopping...well...me even being inside of a store and not in church felt a little like:

CONSUMERIST DEMON! (taking little babies from Jesus and sacrificing them to multinational corporate gods....muhahahahhaha)


Anyway...we managed the rest of the trip listening to eight songs on repeat. Thank you Eleanor (a) for driving half the way, I couldn't have done it without you (b) Keeping the conversation ball rolling...that could have been a terrible bore without you.

So what about Florida after arriving here?

First of all, it's been great hanging out with Anish. I think what's amazing about some friendships is that even after not hanging out for ten years, you pick up where you leave off. And that's exactly what happened between Anish, Vignesh, and me. We've been spending lots of time together and discussing stuff like our old obsession with computer games. Like the Titanic Computer Game?

This Titanic Computer Game was our obsession when we were kids. I first bought it for myself after seeing Anish's trial version that had a small quest on it. And then I also bought the game for Anish for his birthday. What did Anish say when he opened his gift?

"Why did you just give me the box cover for your computer game?" He didn't realize I'd bought him his own copy of the game.

FAIL. LOL. Good times.

My first week consisted of mostly just looking for more jobs and getting settled here. Ocala is where I'm staying, which is ironically where Taku's mother is. So I've been on the search for a short Japanese woman in the middle of a golf course who is mourning one of her son's lungs. I'll tell you if I see her.

Driving in Florida is ridiculous. Everyone is a freaking maniac on the highway. It's so beautiful here, that you can't help but try and slow down and enjoy the scenery...but then the twenty cars behind you freak out because you're only going 10 mph over the speed limit. ONLY.

My worst driving experience occured at the Veteran's Expressway in Tampa recently. I saw signs that said, "Portions might be tolled". I looked in my wallet and saw a series of crisp 20 dollar bills. Feeling pimp, I cockily looked at the sign and guffawed to myself. Yes, guffawed. I can pay you, Mr. Toll man". I felt a little like this:


"YO WHERE MY MONEY AT? HEY DIRTY, BABY I GOT YOUR MONEY!"


Yeah...so I thought. It turns out, that it was an "exact change only" toll. And I needed $.25. Just a quarter. Guess who had no change on them?
We all know how I handle high stress situations. Well, after a few deep breaths, I was on the verge of panic/hyperventilation. I was throwing pennies and indian rupees (WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE RUPEES BUT NO QUARTERS????) at the machine in hopes of making 25 cents. I was dropping coins, freaking out at the "Don't step out of your car" sign, and not handling the honking cars behind me well.

I managed to find 25 cents in my car, although most of it was pennies. FML. I carry quarters on me at all times now.

I went to the temple today! And I've already become more brown than I was in Pittsburgh. I met a group of Tamil Youth, joined a choir, and registered for classical singing classes. How ethnic of me, right? It's nice, because since I also have a friend from Pittsburgh down here in Tampa (we spoke in Pittsburgh before he moved down), I have someone to watch Steelers and Penguins games with. So basically all my social bases should be covered: Brownness, Sports, and stupid Titanic computer games from childhood. :)

Basically, I'm meeting great people down here and I'm excited to meet even more and rebuild old friendships...

So until next time! Hopefully I'll be actually living in Tampa in a week or so and not making the title of this blog incorrectly facetious. Ciao!